The Pillow Test

I was introduced to "The Pillow Test" by one of my graduate school professors at Boston College, Professor Ed Taylor.

The preface is simple: "Can you sleep at night with a clean, clear conscious?".

Despite my challenges and total stress load, most nights I sleep fine. I am at peace with myself during a time of incredible uncertainty - not only for me, but for the world. Of course, not every night is a solid 7+ hours.. especially if I get sick or extra frustrated with a person/process, but for the most part my simple, healthy habits keep me in check.

Before I left my marriage, I would take a non-prescription sleep aid, melatonin, to easily fall asleep, quite often. Even with years of well-established incredibly healthy sleep practices (no TV after 8pm, reading, dim lighting, blackout curtains, etc), my mind would buzz with to'dos - very typical of a Bay Area resident. So yes, .5mg-1mg of nightly melatonin helped me to sleep. However, quite often, I'd wake with night sweats and terrors, always thinking someone is coming to get me (signature Hallmarks of PTSD). Luckily, my son would sleep soundly and quietly the next room over, but yeah, 41+ years of trauma does that to a person! I managed the best I could, with the knowledge and tools I had at that time.

Over the past year, I've often wondered to myself "How do the people of the Bay Area... my former network/family/ex, etc sleep at night knowing what they did to me?" and despite me now having full clarity I was involved with evil energy/people, I also came to a reasonable conclusion: they probably don't. People in the Bay Area, including my ex, use all kinds of narcotics, prescriptions, drugs and alcohol to get sleep... I've seen it with my own eyes and it doesn't take a PhD to understand one of the reasons they still did their actions - greed and thinking they would never get caught. 

It's amusing & ironic to me the way my life has unfolded. I graduated from Boston College almost 20 years ago and despite still having loans, I do not intend to practice as CPA again, but once I get my diploma (currently caught in the web of legal paperwork), there's a special young woman I have promised it to: Alani. ❤️ I missed my CPA renewal window last summer, despite having much of my CPE credit earned to date. You'd think my firm could have offered to get me this information to date, but no, unfortunately not! That's cutthroat corporate culture for you. On a positive CPA practice note, I did get to wrap up most items before I was on unexpected medical leave in late 2023 for a few stellar clients.

To end on a funny note, as I mentioned to a few people who loved to talk to me about fellow BC alum, Doug Flutie's Hail Mary pass.. I would say "f that pass. my son is the Hail Mary that will save this world."! And that's true, right? I mean maybe folks won't listen 100% to what I'm saying and do the right thing, but my son is both white and male - historically, that's who's the face of American politics in this country, right?

May you sleep well this evening,

Heidi :)